It’s very hard to confess something that you don’t like people to know about you. Or about your weakness. I am not a good secretkeeper. There. I admit it. Not that I’m suck at it. It’s just that the secret might not be kept longer with me, compared to anyone else, or any of my friends. I am a very good friend (I think so). And to be a good friend, I guess, you have to be a good secretkeeper. Big, or even dirty little secret. People would entrust you so much to tell their secret to you. And for their own sake, you are trusted to not to tell it to other people. Not all secrets I leaked you know. Most of them are still safe with me.
I am the last, of my siblings or friends, to know about any secret. This happens all the time. Then I guess that they don’t trust me that much. But they tell me anyway. Of course that doesn’t matter, because it wasn’t a secret anymone, because everyone already knew. Sometimes, people tell their secret to get your trustworthiness. Not to place trust upon you. Their sercet might have been an imaginary one, or even the one that they create themselves. Which means one thing, that they are lying. Since I am a very good person and friend, I will listen to everything they said to me. Take note: I’m a good listener too. Consequenlty, I am easily fooled by them. It doesn’t matter even the secret is a lie. I would never know if the secret is a lie.
Well, of course that before I tell my other friends. Actually there is a good side of not being a good secretkeeper you know. When the secrets are told, the other person might have different side of the story. Subsequently, the truth will reveal itself. Isn’t that great? I finally know the truth, and about my friends who lied to me. Indeed, it hurts when you know people lied to you. And you want to hurt them back. Well, not the fight-until-bleeding kind of hurt. That just stupid. For me to be defensive is just a dumb stratergy. I want to get them back. And I want to get them good. Thus, when somebody lies to me, I will not trust them ever again.
But, does that make me a bad person?
Often people says “Please don’t tell this and that to someone else”. And you, promised not to tell. I wonder why everyone says that when they are telling their secret to other person. I mean, if you can’t keep your own secret, how come you can rely on the other person to keep it safe? Thats just bullshit, right? But, every now and then, you have to assure that the secrets are still safe.
Freindship has so many rules. But I don’t play by the rules. I play within the circle of my own world, myself. I am loyal to my friends, even to the one who won’t get my trust. Its very hard to trust them anymore, but you still be friends. Don’t just cut them out of your lives. That is so wrong at so many levels, its nauseating. You both shared many memories. You don’t want that to disappear, do you? And why can’t people just be kind to each other? I’m bound by kindness you know. I’m weak when you are kind to me. When you are kind to me, you would have tied me to you because I would never have the heart to disappoint you. You can get me to do anything halal to help you, and I’ll do if its in my ability and power to help you. That’s me. The nice one. The can’t-say-no one.
Sebab itu aku tak kisah kalau korang nak panggil aku “nafsu” pon.
Memoirs of Emotions 